i know, i know, i know...

i have arrived! after a very difficult week i am at the beach with two friends in tow and another on her way tomorrow am. mugi greeted me with tons of kisses which was so nice. i feel happy and content. so looking forward to a great week with my friends. i'm a lucky girl.

pictures to come...the best is mugi on the wagon atop all of our luggage. she shall now be referred to as queen mugi. cheers to happy hour!

stick up for yourself

breaking-up and breaking down go hand in hand...don't let anyone tell you differently. it's never easy no matter which side of the split you are on. it's okay to feel sad and to cry and to wish things were different and it's also okay to look forward and to do things for yourself.

i went to CT this weekend to be with my family. i just needed to be surrounded by unconditional love and be able to be me...silly, serious, contemplative, weepy, angry, stunned, sad, inquisitive, creative, kind, brash, harsh, compassionate, me...and not make any excuses or apologies for who i am.

my family and friends have all circled around me. my mom made sure i was always busy with something...we went to our favorite greek diner (see waitress above), had manicures and pedicures, went to amazing suburban grocery stores (so many choices), my little brother and i attempted to go to the rock gym (it was closed and i thought i would fail my belay test, it's been 7 years!), my dad taught me to fly cast, my little sister watched footloose with me and talked until the wee hours, we went to home depot and when i suddenly wanted to dip dye everyone embraced it. it was just what i needed.

today i am finishing up work and then heading to the beach for a long week with friends and family. i am so, so blessed to have true friends and such an amazing family. happiness lies within and also deep within our relationships.

it was a hard transition back to the city last night and i was prepared. i called j and he and c had me over for dinner and true blood...i knew sleeping would be tough and i also had a plan...sleep until 7...just until 7 and then hit the gym. i had a little conversation with my endorphins...i told them to kick it up a notch to get the serotonin flowing again. it worked and as long as i have a plan i am going to break right out of this break-up.

circle the wagons

sometimes we make stupid decisions...but the good news is that no matter what you have done there will always be someone who loves you. for me it is my mom, sister, and a few close friends.

i have been beating myself up all day for a lapse in judgment. i have been crying and admonishing myself when all of these strong women came to my side and said, "we have all done something that we regret in love, but you just have to move on." they have also assured me that i am not crazy...which i was starting to believe. it's been a tough week and i am ready to leave it behind and move forward to a new future.

so, pulling up my boot straps...holding my chin high, as a says, and just moving along.

this too shall pass and j says we'll have to get my auras cleansed next week. you know me...i'll try anything once or twice...but this gal is done trying three times. lesson learned.

today is my day

i'm so lucky to have great friends...i was ready to give up on choosing happiness...it seemed like sadness was always looming...and you know, it probably is, but in the cab with dd last night i said, "at least i can laugh every day."

i woke up feeling renewed and relieved. happiness was right beside me and i forgot about it. raising my glass to my old friend of smiles and contentment and to all of my friends who bring that old friend around.

can you feel it

i thought i caught a glimpse of it on wednesday...and yesterday again...and this morning i confirmed that autumn is coming! you can feel it in the breezes and smell hints of it around certain corners. fall is my favorite season. i can't wait to break out the black cashmere and chunky sweaters...ripped jeans, clarks, frye boots, cardigans, wool, ahhhh! and the feeling of still being able to go sockless, but being cozy. nothing like it...and fall activities are the best. you can still picnic and you can also pick apples, it's the best road trip weather ever and the beach is so spectacular in the fall. summer is fantastic, but fall is for love and happiness and napping and snuggling. are you with me here?

i have my little playlist for you today. on my way to work i was reacquainted with the everybodyfields...i love them...i took a long break from them and then on a sad day a few weeks back i had "lonely anywhere" on repeat...it makes a broken heart feel a little more put together than you thought.

here are some others from my walk to work:
dry lips lightspeed champion
come around clear tigers
love and doubt slow runner
how to say goodbye paul tiernan
in our blood horse feathers
happiness riceboy sleeps

also, i need to talk about kate spade's new ads...i always love what she does. she has worked with some amazing photographers and isn't afraid to take risks. her palette is always consistent. the posters pepper the west village's phone booths and i am so glad that they do! my favorite part is the copy and it's pink! it's my image of the day.

lalalalalala

i finished up jury duty today....hooray! i am so used to walking to work that taking the subway downtown was a nice change in routine. i was loving tuning the world out with my headphones. i know, i love that anyway.

it's a grey, grey day in nyc today, but there is a beautiful breeze. it was the perfect day for guilty pleasure music...here's my secret play list for walking through the concrete canyons:

Today Joshua Radin
Girl in a War Josh Ritter
Calling All Cars Sean Hayes
Moth's Wings (stripped down version) Passion Pit
Heart Skipped a Beat The XX
We Could be Friends The Freelance Whales
To Let Myself Go Ane Brun
The Walls Are Coming Down Fanfarlo
It's Thunder and It's Lightning We Were Promised Jetpacks

workworkwork

i don't write about work that often...but it can be a great source of happiness for me. i love the people that i work with, i love looking at pictures all day, i love meeting with uber talented folks and negotiating with tough nuts. it changes so frequently and having the ability to move from excel sheets for bidding to sitting on the floor surrounded by beautiful images keeps me sane. it's nice to enter a fantasy world now and then.

yesterday dd called in a book that was enormous. she was standing in my doorway and i barely had time to snap a picture. it made me laugh...it made us both laugh! note to photographers and illustrators: many of us are not so big! we have to carry those books around the office and sometimes to other floors! poor, poor dd...i had to take her out for drinks after that one.

through the darkness

it's been a tricky couple of weeks. it's just felt overwhelmingly emotional and charged and like i was being pushed out of my own life...i was having a really hard time finding space for me. my little sister, who keeps up with me via my blog, called and asked if i was okay. i am totally fine. you know when you are playing in the ocean and the tide is high and the waves are rough and you are laughing and smiling but really scared... and just get your footing or get out past that wave; you are so relieved...and you turn around for a split second and an even bigger wave knocks you down or pulls you out? that's how it's been.

there have been moments of great happiness...there have been moments of anger and distress and total freak outs...it's life. i remember talking to my therapist last summer and realizing that you have to have the bad to know just how good the happiness feels. there is happiness in sadness, or some sort of path that you can make or find to it.

i was listening to explosions in the sky on the way to work...and "have you passed through this night?" came on shuffle...yes, it's an excerpt from "the thin red line," but it is really so moving. at one point i thought the narrator said, "is this darkness a view too?" and it really made me think how in your darkest moments there is a beautiful view and that can carry you out of the night. so, after hitting repeat and listening again the actual line is, "is this darkness in you too?" and you can answer that one for yourself...but i am going to continue to ponder the view in the darkness...

okay...so, i think i am getting my groove back. time will tell...last night was such a great craft night. i am so incredibly blessed with my amazing group of friends. they are just such a bright light in my days. and i am wearing my couture fisherman's necklace today. hoorah! more to come...