improptu fun

i realized that the title of my post yesterday didn't really jive with the images and the post all that much...i guess i have just been thinking about august in the city so much that i just wrote it down...

today's post title works...last night dd and i hit the local watering hole after work. we introduced ourselves to the new bartender. we are regulars and there ain't no shame in that! we love our local. we go more in the fall and winter than the summer, but a vodka soda or three encouraged us to hit bryant park for an outdoor movie.

outdoor movies are one of my favorite summertime activities. dd and i rushed to the wine shop and the bodega. sadly, the wine shop no longer carries juice box wine...not sure why...it was a brilliant idea! but, they did sell me a lovely bottle of chilled white with a twist cap (twist cap wine is not all bad...) and supplied me with two dixie cups and an "att girl" when i declared, "off to the movies now!"

dd and i settled in so far from the screen, but it just didn't matter. it feels so good to be out in the city and watch the natural light vanish and quickly replaced by city lights. last night's film was monty python and the holy grail...just fun...nothing serious...perfect, especially when accompanied by a best friend, a bottle of wine and hummus and cracker dinner. it doesn't get much better.

august in the city

i'm back from my two weeks in fire island. as i have written before, it was the best use of my tax refund. realizing that a lazy vacation can revitalize the spirit is such a good thing. although, waking up in manhattan today felt good...walking to work felt good...being at work feels good! i was looking forward to wearing heals instead of flip-flops and my calves thanked me! they also thanked me for spinning during lunch. i am thankful for air conditioning and a large tv and a bar only a block away from me! simple things on a daily basis...being lazy has its consequences...luckily, me and my juicer will become fairly well acquainted again this week.

i have four weeks in the hot, hot city and then back to the island. in past years i have spaced my vacations out through the year...while this works for taking small trips all over the place it can also be exhausting for me. typically i am on the road for over 3-4 months a year and the thought of boarding a plane for a vacation makes me weak. this summer was all about staying local and just enjoying what is near. that's not to say that i am not dreaming of paris in the fall, or the himalayan hiking trip being offered for nols alum or escaping to scandanvia for a few weeks...maybe next year. i'm not putting my passport away...just giving it a little rest.

it's been a tough year and finding time for myself has been important but difficult at times. fire island allowed me to take some of the time that i so desperately craved. i'm looking forward to spending august with friends and having summer in the city. there is something really special about the energy in new york in the summer. sometimes it is the distint lack of energy. the buzz seems a little duller and everyone is a touch lethargic. new yorkers lose their edge and give in to ice cream, shorts, and being outwardly happy and dare i say, silly? something about getting caught in a rain storm and feeling the heat break and being a part of it and breaking with it...ahhhh...summer...i'm not sick of you yet!

happiness through sadness

"choose happiness" has long been my mantra...but, i have been told, on more than one occasion, that i have an underlying sadness. when i have asked what this means to the people who have said it they often can't explain it. i just seem to have a sense of sadness at times even when i appear "happy." it could be my need to spend a lot of time on my own or something that is inherent...

i really enjoy being alone...i like to be in a crowded bar and have a drink by myself...or to break away from the group and choose songs from the jukebox. i like to sit quietly and read or even just think...i also love to be among great friends and talk...really talk...or to just laugh about the silliest of things.

i love my past and try to see the lessons in all of my experiences. i make so many mistakes and sometimes beauty is in those mistakes and really happiness is not all about smiling and laughing. it can be contentment and just being. sadness is an emotion; a feeling an aura of sorts, i suppose. i guess i carry some with me at all times.

i have been at the beach alone for several days now. there are times when i feel tired, lonely, alone, anxious, happy, content, loved, thoughtful, scared and so much more. i think being alone allows me to just feel and not force process or ponder. i have been able to move through my feelings in my own time. i have also been able to take time to collect only purple shells, stand up to my waist in the frigid and fierce waves, walk the boardwalk, watch tv when it is gorgeous out, sit on the phone at the beach, eat ice cream whenever i feel like it. i have been completely free. i am only answering to me right now. it is selfish and indulgent, also satisfying.

i took a risk spending so much time alone in a place where i couldn't really escape. i don't know anyone here. i can always walk down to the dock at night and strike up a conversation with a stranger during sunset. most of the people here are in their 60s and 70s...which i love. i think i seem incredibly young and out of place here...but i feel right at home.

so, is having a sense of sadness a bad thing? i can't really answer that. if someone is a downer all the time, that can be trying. maybe it's a balance...a balance that is on the tip of the pointiest needle. we are who we are. i think i am learning the importance of this and being around myself has been a great lesson.

summer bliss

i made a decision in january to use my tax refund to rent a house on fire island in the sleepiest little community i could find. i was nervous about the investment and the emotional return, but i just did it...oh, i am so glad that i did.

i have the house for 4 weeks. i had one week in june to test the waters and two in july and a final week in august. i have been at the beach for over a week now and the emotional return is far more valuable than the money i invested.

i have had lots of guests and i love that. everyone has been amazing and sitting on the deck drinking wine into the dark evening hours has just brought a smile to my face. it's fun to share my little piece of paradise.

i have learned how to light a grill manually and grilled my little heart out! i've finished two books, started an embroidery project, explored the island on bike and foot, taught d & k how to duck dive into the surf, buried mugi up to her neck in sand...i'm hooked.



if you need some beach time come and visit! you've got my number.

when in doubt

so, it's been a difficult couple of weeks. not like life or death difficult just communication difficult. i have found peace with friends and in spending time alone. i have just been questioning everything. which is exhausting and not really necessary when you can't change the past. it has left me feeling a bit threadbare. now i am trying to practice letting go and and feeling what i am feeling but not holding onto it. we shall see.

after a particularly rough day yesterday i climbed down from my bed groggily...even though i turned in at 9:30 and slept until 8am and tried to shake my fear of the world. i turned the music up, i put on my highest heels and then i remembered my big 'ol headphones as i was leaving the apartment. i had packed them away when i went to fire island and i know that these can be a little good medicine for me.

i turned my music way up and headed out the door almost ready to face the world...if it was only a few minutes of contentment given to me by tuning the world out, i'll take it. i guess happiness can be found in doing the things that you love and maybe take for granted day to day...like going to the gym-yeah, you might not love it while you are there but you feel so good afterward or cooking a meal for yourself...i am proud to say i did both yesterday.

let the healing begin.