winter winds

I know that I have been rather negligent about posting my images...and that when I started blogging it was mostly me speaking through pictures. I guess I have had a lot to say and to be really honest, I haven't taken that many pictures recently...what does it all mean!?!?

Yesterday was off...like really off...all day. DD and I decided to hit an after work yoga class. We were running late because work has been insane and when we got to the center the only class available was a beginners class. I was disappointed because I really wanted to challenge myself, but I was content to be stretching out a bit. The teacher was a bit of a bummer. She was making passive aggressive remarks throughout the class and would get upset if someone did something outside of her instruction. It was odd...

DD and I thought we would get some soup after class and try to recover from the weird energy. It was pelting frozen snow and not all that enjoyable to be walking about. We were supposed to head up to see J at his place and after much back and forth we did and that's when the energy turned into brilliant sunlight. Ahhhhhh...we just cozied up in his studio, noshed on various dips and chicken and watched the snow fall...I am omitting the terrible and scary cab ride that got us to J's...I am blocking it from my memory forever...

By the time we were ready to leave about 6 inches of snow had fallen. It was beautiful, but we were a bit stuck. I convinced DD that we were be safe in a cab. He was able to drop us at Horatio and Bleecker...a short walk for me...an hour walk for DD. I invited her to stay the night, but DD is DD and persevered.

So, here we are with MORE snow! I have to say it is so beautiful and kind of fun to trudge through. People seem to be smiling a little more today and to be talking to each other a little sweeter. Maybe we just needed a clean slate.

i feel it all...

Does anyone else feel like the energy of the world is a bit off and has been since last week? Activities, people and places that I usually love feel distant right now. It could just be the Bali Buzz wearing off and the New York winter taking hold. It just feels off.

Yesterday I tried to shake my funk by catching the enormous snowflakes that were falling. It was a magnificent sight and if I looked hard enough I felt like I could see each flake individually. Today I am a little bored by the snow. It feels a bit endless. While I can appreciate a fresh coat covering all of the grey ice I kind of wish it would all disappear at once....One huge rain storm to wash the city clean. Hmmmm...

In fun news, I am headed back to Bali in July. DD and I will leave on July 1 and she heads back on the 11th. I will be staying until the 23rd. I am rather excited to return to paradise and to have something to look forward to. We are renting a house so if you have Indonesian dreams let me know and maybe make the trek to join us!

Now, I am trying to find the peace. I am also trying not to suppress my feelings. I am a good bottler and now I am just feeling the texture of each one, but not obsessing...or trying not to! That's the hard part.

wherever i might find me...

So, I have been doing a ton of yoga since my return and reading, reading, reading, meditating, loving, searching and finding. Currently, I am reading the Bhagavad Gita. It's tough reading, but so amazingly beautiful.

Laughing Lotus focuses on something each month...sometimes it's mudras, sometimes chanting...this month it is the Bhagavad Gita. We open class with a lesson and then meditate on it for a few minutes.

Last night was about having compassion for yourself. It really hit me. I really beat myself up about all sorts of things...from not giving the homeless man a quarter to texting exes to throwing away a plastic bottle to not making it to yoga to skipping a meditation session to getting to work 20 minutes late to eating fries for lunch...I can go on and on. How about we give ourselves a break and forgive ourselves for these minor lapses?

I started to do that last night. I meditated on apologizing to those around me first and then to myself for beating my heart up. It was a good moment to breathe in and then exhale all of the guilt and sadness that I have created for myself...I felt a little better.

Finding myself is a process. It's not going to happen all at once. There isn't going to be a moment of feeling complete...and to be honest, would you want there to be? Isn't the fun in the journey? Yes, there is pain in the journey too, but it is usually pain that leads to some sort of self-discovery. I have read that when someone is in a state of negative flux they tend to be happier. Odd right?

We are mutable if we allow ourselves to be and if we let go and open up...even just a crack. We are capable of taking risks and often when we change it up the happiness floods in. Try it! Do something a little uncomfortable-a little outside of your wheel house. Maybe walk down a street that's out of the way, try a new class at the gym, book a trip, try a new food or a new restaurant, listen to music instead of watching tv, cook instead of going out, call someone that you haven't talked to in a long time, there are so many things that you can change and that can open you up a touch. I'm working on it...It's not always easy, but the reward feels so good.

Yoga is making me happy. It's making me poor too, but it's a choice. I feel like my happiness is worth so much more than my bank account these days.

revelations...

I think I am over the jet lag. I had a very lazy Saturday and Sunday. It was kind of nice. Later, I met up with DD for some yoga. I am trying to continue my practice back in NYC. So far, so good...I realize that it's only been a week. I'm also trying to avoid eating any foods with preservatives in them for 40 days...it's day 2...

The evenings have been a bit of a dating marathon. Not my favorite thing in the world, but I do feel ready, like, really ready this time. I just kind of go without expectations. It feels healthy. I think I jumped the gun on the past two "relationships." I have spent a lot of time growing and searching and best of all loving over the past 4 months. It feels really good and it feels liberating to breathe again.

A big "ah-ha" moment in Bali was that I have been living with low-level anxiety for years. I had been diagnosed with Panic Disorder in 2001 and was on Paxil for about a year. I thought I had it under control, um...no...but for some reason it has almost disappeared since my trip. I am pretty sure this is due to regular mediation and yoga practice and also just understanding that there are some things that I cannot control and doing my best to release the thoughts, fear, guilt or whatever the trigger might be. I am also able to breathe into my chest now...it's a very strange feeling that maybe you take for granted. I haven't been able to do this in over 4 years. It's an amazing feeling that I forgot about. I find myslef taking these deep inhales just to check that I still can.

I made it through. Maybe I am still making it through...but it is a far cry from 4 months ago being crumbled on the floor...any floor that would have me. That doesn't mean that I don't have work ahead. I do, a lot of it. One of the biggest things that I am working on is keeping my heart open to the idea of love. It's been locked up tight for a few years now and I think there might be a sliver of light shining into that dark place now.

I had a small moment of knowing that I made it through this chapter this morning when a song that has long been my theme song came on and I felt no attachment to it. It was really strange. I enjoyed the music, but I knew it wasn't about me anymore. I took a big deep breath into my heart and stepped out into this miserable day with a big smile on my face.

bikinis to boots

Here I am back in a glistening city! I arrived at 6 am yesterday, dropped off my luggage, took a shower and headed to the office. It was a busy day and I should have propped my eyelids open with toothpicks. I went from meeting to meeting and in between told Bali tales. What a trip!

Last night DD and I went to XOU for my arrival drink. We then went over to Dublin for my favorite french fries...It was a nice welcome home and I was snuggled into my bed (sans rats) by 9:30 pm. Mugi curled up next to me and it was simply perfect.

I slept through the night, only rising once at 2 am to see the snow quietly falling out my bedroom window. It was a stark contrast to the lush landscape I had been waking up to. I welcomed to change with an open heart and embraced my boots and knee socks this morning.

Mugi and I did a few downward dogs, sat with ourselves and took a nice walk before the streets are covered in brown slush. I am going to try and love all of it and keep my heart open to the possibilities ahead.

homeward bound

Here I am, back in the HK airport. I wish I could say that I have maintained my vacation attitude...I had a minor meltdown in the Denpasar airport when they wouldn't allow me to carry-on both of my luggage pieces due to weight. I asked if I could pay overweight and the clerk accused me of trying to bribe him! Tears ensued, which led to me ripping my luggage apart in the middle of the check-in lines, having one of my bags wrapped in plastic, sending down the conveyor belt and praying for its arrival in NYC. I had to apologize to both of the clerks who were trying to help me...they apologized in return.

I love to travel, but I hate the actual traveling part. I find it dreadful lugging all of my belongings, standing in lines, going through security, having them paw through my bags for a nail clipper, arriving in a new airport and going through the entire process again. I enjoy the arriving at my final destination part.

So, here I sit...tapping away. I have about 2 hours to kill before my flight to Vancouver. I am exhausted! I didn't sleep much last night...because there was a...wait for it...RAT in my bedroom! It may have been a large mouse...very large! Those who know me well understand what this means. It means hysteria!

I was sitting on my bed under the mosquito netting listening to rain and enjoying the breeze when I heard something. I looked...nothing...a few minutes later I heard it again. I had my flashlight at the ready. I only saw it's shadow and saw it JUMP! Yes, I stood on the bed shaking. I then hit the wall with the flashlight a few times and hightailed it to the security guards . They thought this was hilarious and had me laughing too. Their English is incredibly limited. At first they thought I had a roach, which would have been fine by me. There I stood pantomiming a mouse complete with the squeaking...Ohhhhhh! They came into my house and the first thing we saw was a massive gecko. I was a bit relieved. I told them if it was the gecko I was fine. One of the guards replied, "No gecko. Gecko no jump." There went that sense of ease. They then assure me that it wouldn't bother me. This didn't help me sleep at all. So, no yoga this morning...too tired...just one last swim in the pool and breakfast with my new friends.

It's not surprising that their would be rodents around where I was staying. The house is immaculate, but it's on a rice field. Mice and rats and snakes love the rice paddies. The house also doesn't have windows. Animals come and go as they please. I have woken up to dogs, cats, foot long lizards, giant water bugs, spiders...all in the room with me. I was okay with this most of the time. I was not okay with the cats whining like babies...but I would have welcomed one in bed with me last night! I wrapped myself like a mummy and waited for the sun to rise, slept for two hours and then got going. Not my favorite way of ending my holiday, but I would still go back and stay in the same house in a minute. Yes, totally freaked out, but for the most part I slept like a baby there.

So, how am I choosing happiness today? Well...I guess by breathing. It's hard to reenter and I welcome the long flights ahead to just be still and sleep. I have also been meditating on the plane when I start to feel overwhelmed. Not the ideal location, but better than allowing the anxiety to creep back in. I am also still eating well. On the plane all I wanted was a date ball...weird. Good thing I know exactly where to get one on my way to work tomorrow! I am also embracing the exhaustion and rolling with it. I hope that I can sleep on this next leg and then beat the jet lag a bit faster. I think that might be the upside here. We shall see if I am an absolute zombie on Tuesday morning.

heading home...

I cannot believe it! I'm all packed and ready to go. My flight is at 4pm tomorrow...and then to HK and then to Vancouver and then NYC, baby! I have one more early morning yoga class to stretch it out before flying for over 20 hours. Yikes! I am kind of looking forward to getting on the plane(s). I am not looking forward to lugging my gear from gate to gate...I definitely supported Bali's economy while I was here.

One update, I have been hanging out with a great crew from the city. T is a make-up artist, C is a stylist and M own's Flying A...and her beautiful daughter M is just the cat's meow. They are staying a few houses down from me and have welcomed me into their Bali family.

We went to the beach yesterday and today to a really cool market where I bought this amazing elephant stool for $4...yes, a carved wood stool for $4...I couldn't resist it! I plan on using it as my meditation alter when I get back. I have been looking for something special for months in New York and couldn't afford any of the pieces that I loved. I could afford this! I have it in my carry-on and it is much heavier than it looked when I bought it. It was being used to display handicrafts and I asked if I could buy it. They looked at me strangely and just threw a price at me and in Bali fashion I haggled...I have learned the ways of this place!

What else...just a ton of yoga and meditating, seeing the island and eating! I will miss the Balinese food and it's bargain prices. 5 of us ate for $18 tonight. It was such a yummy dinner of green curry, spring rolls, and a few other Balinese dishes while sitting on straw mats backed with big pillows. I love eating this way. I am thinking of having a small dinner party and trying to bring some of the recipes home. I don't think we will be eating on the floor though! You will have to take your shoes off at the door. I like this ritual.

So, that's the last post from this side of the world for a little while. I will be back here and I hope within the year. It is a magical place and I don't think that my pictures do it justice. I wish they did, but I can't capture the spirit of the people or the smells on the streets or the feeling of riding on the back of a motorbike...it's just spectacular and I thank all of my friends and family who encouraged me to take this trip...who soothed me when I was frightened and who wrote to me with great support while I was here. Thank you so, so much...I am so glad that I did this and I am so grateful for each and every one of you. I know that I am coming home to an abundance of love and happiness and I cannot wait!

See you on the other side! There might be time for one more post during my HK layover...it's a loooong one.

Sending my love and happiness and to everyone until I can put my arms around you and give you a proper thank you.

preparing for departure

It is Friday here and I leave on Monday. I can't believe it! The time has gone so fast. Looking back at some days in the beginning it creeped along and made me anxious. Once I was able to just be I really started enjoying myself.

I have always been content on my own for a few hours or at the most days...but this trip was a challenge. I was so nervous and wasn't sure if I would be okay. I think so much of it had to do with the unknown.

I am fine! I am better than fine! Today I passed a local on the street and he came over to me and said, "Why you so happy?" He really stopped and asked me this. I just shrugged and said, "This makes me happy." He said, " Everyday happy?" and I replied, "I hope so."

I have noticed that the Balinese will make eye contact, but not immediately smile at you. If you smile at them they light up. It is so amazing. When you ride the motorbikes into town they shout out at their passing friends or if someone pulls up behind them that they know they will ride next to each other and chat. This does not make for a free flowing traffic situation, but nobody seems to mind. They just take their time and spend a few moments with a friend. Maybe that is all the time they have. It's kind of nice.

There is just this inherent warmth here. Yes, they are out to make a buck from the tourists, but most of the people are incredibly genuine. Last night I was about to leave the little lane that my house is on and wander into the village when Kadek stopped me. She is the one who makes my breakfast each day, although I haven't been home to eat it since I get up at 6:30 each day to make the early yoga class. She said, "I will take you to my Mother's for pork." And she walked with me and brought me inside and her Mom served me a pork soup. It had all different parts of the the pig in it. (I am pretty sure that her aunt said "anus", I pretended that she was saying delicious in Balinese.) She then made me a little to go bag with the food wrapped in banana leaves. So good. While I sat there Kadek put a baby on my lap. He wasn't interested in me in the least, but it made me feel like we had made a nice connection.

The families live in a sort of compound. Kadek is 27 and lives at home with her mother, father, uncle and his 3 children, another uncle with 2 children and I am not sure, but I think her sister might be married and she lives with her husband's family. I think there might be one other family there because while I was sitting there I met at least 7 children that lived in the house. They all raise them together. It's kind of amazing. Kadek will sometimes be at the house complex where I have been staying with a baby on her hip while she works. She laughs and says, "Not my baby! I am free!" She's very funny and sweet.

So, I have come face to face with being alone for so long and I have found a sense of happiness in the alone-ness...It's not loneliness...It's something very different. I am not saying that I want to live like this forever...I would like companionship and I hope for love in my future, but I know now that I can be alone and be happy too and I feel more ready to be share with someone else than I ever have.

PS. I have been trying to load pictures for days, but the signal is so weak that it only works occasionally. I know what I will be doing at the HK airport for my 4 hour layover!

peace

I've now been in Ubud for about a week. There is a slow rhythm here. For me it goes something like rising at 6:30, yoga at 7:00, massage at 10:00 (they can cost as little as $8 USD), walking to one of the street stalls for lunch, catching a motorbike home , journaling/meditating...the giant thunderstorms come between noon and 2pm...that's when I nap and then the nights tend to vary.

I have been making a point of going into the village that my house is located in. It is a true village...this is not Ubud tourist district. It is kids running with chickens, wild dogs, men training their roosters for cock fights in the street between 6-8 pm, and women with small food stalls set up. They always seem surprised when I sit on the narrow benches (too narrow for my American ass, if you ask me) and look to see what they might be offering that day. Last night it was some sort of spicy rice and beef satay. I also got a baggy full of soup, both were delicious...no wonder my ass doesn't fit on those benches! Now that I have figured out the food situation I never spend more than $3 a meal and than includes an icy bottle of water.

I canceled my trip to Lombok today. I really wanted to go, but was stressing about the timing. I was supposed to leave tomorrow and arrive back on Sunday and I fly home to NYC on Monday. The flights and boats are notoriously delayed or canceled without warning. The thought of having to pack a bag and move on was just not appealing to me. So, I just hit cancel on the gorgeous beach view hotel room and decided that I will just have to come back! I think I could now knowing how inexpensively one can live for a day.

It's been fun getting to know the staff at the house too. They seem to want to coddle me a bit since I am alone. They invite me to sit with them before they leave for the evening and pick me up extra early for yoga in the morning free of charge. I never want to offend them because I think we have become friends, but I also can see the paralyzing poverty that is here. I always try and press $1 of Rupiah into their hand in a pleasant way. That's a lot of money here. It can buy two full meals for the Balinese.

They all live in the little village just down the lane from my house. They have taught me a bit of Indonesian and laugh when I try to pronounce something and butcher it. Today when I was walking home from yoga with my heavy bag (I take my laptop everywhere, never know where I can get wifi!) I was just approaching the giant hill when two of the villagers/staff rode up on a motorbike behind me and asked me if I wanted a ride. I climbed on the back, being number three, and felt like a local for a moment carrying my banana leaves full of rice and chicken in one hand and hanging on for dear life with the other. One of the other workers wants to take me to the market on Saturday to help me with my terrible negotiation skills. I think I will take her up on that!

So, it's been pretty lazy over here. I think kind of what I needed. I am trying to delve deeper into my meditation practice and working on something called loving-kindness. You can look it up...I have always thought that my empathy was a little lacking. One of the things this practice is meant for is to show goodwill toward all other beings and yourself. I am not sure if I have reaped any of the benefits yet, but maybe soon and maybe it's not about it benefitting me.

I can't believe I have such a short time left...I am trying not to think about it, but instead just working on being here.

I feel blessed that I have found some happiness here. It hasn't been without work. The shopping doesn't make me happy, the yoga doesn't make me happy, the massages don't make me happy...it makes me happy to see myself...even if I just catch a small glimpse each day and to feel that I am independent and strong and I am here all the way on the other side of the world and I am happy.

settled in

I have settled into my life in Ubud...Yes, I know I have to leave. Right now I am focusing on making the most of the time that I have here. Yesterday I traveling around and went to all different local craft workshops. I learned how ikat is made. Pretty amazing stuff. I can understand why is is so expensive now! I also went to a word carving shop and purchased a new Buddha for my meditation alter at home. There is a picture of the artist carving it. I got a deal because he wasn't quite finished. I am thinking it is a metaphor for me...I am bit unfinished, myself. He is carefully wrapped up and ready to make the journey the other side of the world.

I have been starting my days with gentle yoga and then breakfast and then just relaxing and wandering. I have met a motorbike driver who takes me to and from town. It's kind of fun to sit side saddle and watch the lush landscape whiz by.

It is so amazing here. Yes, there are a TON of tourists...so many...but, there are also quiet little places to discover. My house is located in a tiny village and I can explore there. Right now I am eating my breakfast across sitting on a straw mat and looking out over a lotus blossom field and rice paddies. It's spectacular.

This morning I did not want to get out of bed for yoga. I wanted to nestle back in and then I remembered last night's movie...and I motivated. So glad that I did. Today I am planning on just hanging out and walking around, taking a swim and reading. I do have some real work to do and I will get to that as well.

Life is good in Ubud. I have moments of loneliness and pangs of homesickness and thoughts of boarding a plane early and then I think, "What? When will you be here again!?!" and I breathe...and I am here. I am here right now.

happiness is...

I discovered The Yoga Barn in Ubud today. It's this lovely yoga studio with a restaurant and spa. 60 minute massages are $20. I have one scheduled for tomorrow after class. This place also has movies every other Monday evening. I went tonight and guess what? The movie was about happiness. It was called "Happy." It was a director's screening. It hasn't been released yet, but when it is I recommend that everyone sees it.

Here is the breakdown...we are born with 50% of of our happiness potential, 10% is circumstantial, and the remaining 40% is up to you. It's the choices you make. For example do you lay around or do you go for a run? Do you explore the world? Apparently, the more you are pushing yourself the happier you are. Also, if you have something that you love to do, like play the violin or surf this provides happiness. If you help other people this makes for a lot of happiness. See the movie...it is so inspiring. This is just what I remember off of the top of my head.

One chapter is about meditation...it specifically focuses on lovingkindess. You can actually change your brain by meditating. I once dated someone who told me that all of that stuff was nonsense...not so. It is scientifically proven that meditating creates happiness. Some days that is a hard choice for me. I would so much rather sleep the extra 30 minutes. Now, I am inspired to make the decision that will bring me the most happiness in the morning. The same with yoga...so many nights after work I just want to go and have a drink and while friends and family create happiness so does intense focus.

It was a fascinating film and more information can be found here: http://www.thehappymovie.com/ Check it out. I met Eiji and he is super cool. I really hope that his documentary takes off.

Happiness really is about choices, at least 40% of it is.

i feel like writing

I think I might have found home...dd warned me of this. I can't believe what I have found. I arrived in Bali yesterday afternoon...The drive from the airport was hot and long, but provided some bucolic scenery. Everything is mossy and looks as though it was pulled from the pages of a picture book.

I spent some time puttering about my little villa. It's 2 stories. The first level is a kitchen, outdoor bathroom, sitting area and sunken dining area, perfect for journaling. This floor is surrounded by sliding wooden and glass doors. There is then a staircase in the center of the first floor that leads to the second story. The staircase is flanked by two beds covered in mosquito netting. There aren't any windows. This floor is open to the outside. I can draw the thin silk curtains or pull down the bamboo blinds if it is raining or I need privacy. The house overlooks a pool and beyond that are rice paddies. I can sit outside and watch the workers in the paddies.

I can already understand why people visit and never leave. It is so special. It's not sunny at all right now. It's not about the weather...it's the environment and the peace. It's the sweet dogs that wander into my little house...the croak of the frogs that lulled me to sleep, the lizards that eat up the mosquitos, the giant snail that greeted me on my doorstep last night, the frangipani flowers that float into the pool from the tree above, the cat that walks the half wall along my bedroom, the roosters that begin crowing at five in the morning...

I went into town for dinner last night. I met the most interesting Norwegian man. He is 43 and an author. We talked about the links between astrology, psychology and spirituality. I know...hippy-dippy...totally me! We talked for hours. It wasn't a romantic thing in the least. It was just chatting. He came to Bali on holiday 8 months ago and never left. If I owned my apartment in New York, I might be on the phone with a real estate agent putting it on the market today. Instead, I will dream of living here and work toward it in the future. It's incredibly special.

I feel inspired. This morning I woke up and meditated for 30 minutes or so...then the girls came and made me eggs and a fruit plate. The house has about 6 other neighbors. All are individually owned and some are rented. Green T is the house that I am renting. It includes breakfast being made every day. The girls make breakfast for all of the houses...They come into the kitchen anywhere between 8-10 and make any kind of eggs that I would like and cut up fresh fruit. I opted to eat outside today and to just enjoy the weather. Even though it is overcast it is pleasant.

After breakfast I laid on the straw mat in my living area and meditated again and had a real moment. It was amazing. It was a beginning of digging deep and coming to terms with some things that I had convinced myself were okay. I can be sad, I can be angry, I can be happy, I can be joyful...I can be whoever I want to be. We all can be. There isn't judgement.

I then was poking around my kitchen and discovered that the girls left me a fresh mango! I cut it up and stood in the tiled kitchen barefoot and just devoured it with my hands. So good. This place is something...I don't know what., but I do know that I cracked a new journal today. I haven't written in so long. It felt so good to put words on a physical page.

Okay, so this is sounding a bit like some kind of spiritual journey. That's not the intention, but aren't we all on our own journeys? I am taking this as a path in my journey; a page or maybe a chapter. It's my own adventure and I can make of it what I want. Today I will just be...I will be with me. I kind of like my own company. I'm kind of fun.