happiness through sadness

"choose happiness" has long been my mantra...but, i have been told, on more than one occasion, that i have an underlying sadness. when i have asked what this means to the people who have said it they often can't explain it. i just seem to have a sense of sadness at times even when i appear "happy." it could be my need to spend a lot of time on my own or something that is inherent...

i really enjoy being alone...i like to be in a crowded bar and have a drink by myself...or to break away from the group and choose songs from the jukebox. i like to sit quietly and read or even just think...i also love to be among great friends and talk...really talk...or to just laugh about the silliest of things.

i love my past and try to see the lessons in all of my experiences. i make so many mistakes and sometimes beauty is in those mistakes and really happiness is not all about smiling and laughing. it can be contentment and just being. sadness is an emotion; a feeling an aura of sorts, i suppose. i guess i carry some with me at all times.

i have been at the beach alone for several days now. there are times when i feel tired, lonely, alone, anxious, happy, content, loved, thoughtful, scared and so much more. i think being alone allows me to just feel and not force process or ponder. i have been able to move through my feelings in my own time. i have also been able to take time to collect only purple shells, stand up to my waist in the frigid and fierce waves, walk the boardwalk, watch tv when it is gorgeous out, sit on the phone at the beach, eat ice cream whenever i feel like it. i have been completely free. i am only answering to me right now. it is selfish and indulgent, also satisfying.

i took a risk spending so much time alone in a place where i couldn't really escape. i don't know anyone here. i can always walk down to the dock at night and strike up a conversation with a stranger during sunset. most of the people here are in their 60s and 70s...which i love. i think i seem incredibly young and out of place here...but i feel right at home.

so, is having a sense of sadness a bad thing? i can't really answer that. if someone is a downer all the time, that can be trying. maybe it's a balance...a balance that is on the tip of the pointiest needle. we are who we are. i think i am learning the importance of this and being around myself has been a great lesson.