revelations...

I think I am over the jet lag. I had a very lazy Saturday and Sunday. It was kind of nice. Later, I met up with DD for some yoga. I am trying to continue my practice back in NYC. So far, so good...I realize that it's only been a week. I'm also trying to avoid eating any foods with preservatives in them for 40 days...it's day 2...

The evenings have been a bit of a dating marathon. Not my favorite thing in the world, but I do feel ready, like, really ready this time. I just kind of go without expectations. It feels healthy. I think I jumped the gun on the past two "relationships." I have spent a lot of time growing and searching and best of all loving over the past 4 months. It feels really good and it feels liberating to breathe again.

A big "ah-ha" moment in Bali was that I have been living with low-level anxiety for years. I had been diagnosed with Panic Disorder in 2001 and was on Paxil for about a year. I thought I had it under control, um...no...but for some reason it has almost disappeared since my trip. I am pretty sure this is due to regular mediation and yoga practice and also just understanding that there are some things that I cannot control and doing my best to release the thoughts, fear, guilt or whatever the trigger might be. I am also able to breathe into my chest now...it's a very strange feeling that maybe you take for granted. I haven't been able to do this in over 4 years. It's an amazing feeling that I forgot about. I find myslef taking these deep inhales just to check that I still can.

I made it through. Maybe I am still making it through...but it is a far cry from 4 months ago being crumbled on the floor...any floor that would have me. That doesn't mean that I don't have work ahead. I do, a lot of it. One of the biggest things that I am working on is keeping my heart open to the idea of love. It's been locked up tight for a few years now and I think there might be a sliver of light shining into that dark place now.

I had a small moment of knowing that I made it through this chapter this morning when a song that has long been my theme song came on and I felt no attachment to it. It was really strange. I enjoyed the music, but I knew it wasn't about me anymore. I took a big deep breath into my heart and stepped out into this miserable day with a big smile on my face.